REDEMPTION (Kobe Part II)

While traveling in Boise the Thursday and Friday after Kobe went off for 60 points in his final game, I had a revelation.  For the past few weeks leading up to that point I've been reading the books of Samuel in the Bible, which introduces us to a well known character to Christians and non-Christians alike...King David of Israel.  These two iconic characters had been on my mind during my trip and it felt like a Kobe/David mashup from the movie series Pitch Perfect (a mashup is when an acappella group sings two songs with a similar melody and beat and blend them together - see an example here).

I started thinking about both of their journeys and I was taken back by all they had in common:

Both where thrust onto the scene at an early age

Kobe: Drafted as a 17 year old out of high school.  A year later was selected as the youngest NBA All-Star of all-time.
David: As a young boy, David receives instant fame and glory by defeating the Philistine giant Goliath.

KD putting in work!

Both were the "Heir Apparent"

Kobe: Followed the greatest of all-time, His Airness Himself, Michael Jordan.  Many believed upon Jordan's retirement, Kobe was the face of the NBA and the next "king." 

David: Succeeded Saul as the second king of Israel.

Both were fearless warriors and soldiers at their core

Kobe: Considered one of the fiercest competitors in the history of all professional sports.  Kobe's insane pain tolerance and drive pushed him to play a grueling high number of minutes and through painful injuries throughout his career.  His drive to conquer the NBA and be the best helped land him multiple titles, as well as league and Laker franchise records.

David: King David engaged in many battles and was a skilled and brave warrior.  "Your throne shall be established forever." (2 Samuel 7:16) As first general and then king over Judah, David helped Israel grow from a small tribe, into a strong nation through conquering the Philistines and other tribes. 

Are you not ENTERTAINED?!!!

The number 5

Kobe: Won 5 NBA Championships.
David: Picked 5 smooth stones before his battle with Goliath.

Strong lineage

Kobe: Kobe's father, Joseph "Jellybean" Bryant was drafted in the first round of the 1975 draft and played 16 professional seasons of basketball (8 in the NBA and 8 in Europe).
David: Samuel went to Bethlehem intending to appoint Saul's successor from among the son's of Jesse.  "Rise and anoint him, this is the one" (1 Samuel 16:12).

Both were exiled before their reign

Kobe: Due to his father taking his talents from the NBA to pursue opportunities overseas, Kobe spent 8 years in Italy as a child and teen, isolated from family and friends back home.

David: As commander of Saul's army, David became increasingly successful and popular.  Saul saw David as a threat and repeatedly plotted his death.  Saul's son Jonathan warns David, who "fled into the wilderness" and was exiled as a fugitive for some time. 

Physical Appearance

Kobe: Kobe's charm, charisma, and looks help land him several lucrative endorsements including Adidas, Nike, Lenevo, Spalding, and Coca-Cola.

David: The Bible describes David as "ruddy" (of a person's face - a healthy red color) who had beautiful eyes and was handsome. The original KD, (King David) would have been a lock for endorsing the latest and greatest ancient sandal. 

The Successor

Kobe: This remains to be seen, but all roads point to Steph Curry, who's 2016 performance topped his magical run to an NBA title and MVP in 2015.  Steph is unlike any other superstar before him.  His record breaking 2016 season, likable image, unique shooting and play-making skills, may prove as a recipe for the greatest player in his era...only time will tell.  Curry reminds me of a young King Solomon (before he was corrupted), wise beyond his years, uniquely gifted, and very powerful.

David: David's son King Solomon was great in wisdom, wealth, and power.  Israel enjoyed 40 years of prosperity under Solomon's reign before he fell away from God and lived a life of sin (let's hope Steph doesn't follow suit...I trust he won't!).

The Fall (Adultery)

Kobe: During the summer of 2003 Kobe admitted to an adulterous sexual encounter with a 19-year old hotel employee in Eagle, Colorado.  The woman charged Kobe with sexual assault, which was later dropped, but a civil suit was later filed and settled out of court. Aside from causing severe strain to his marriage, Kobe's squeaky clean image was severely damaged  and he lost most of his endorsement deals.

David: Not only did David commit adultery with Bathsheba, but because of his shame, he sent her husband Uriah to the front lines of battle to be killed. 

The Rise (Legacy)

Both will be remembered as one of the greatest of all time.  Both anointed at an early age and true heroes to their adorning followers.  Were they flawed?  Yes, but their passion, skill, strength and bravery helped etch their name as legends and giants of their time.

What stood out to me wasn't their fierceness in battle or their accomplishments, but the power of repentance. 

Both men expressed extreme remorse over their transgressions and sought forgiveness.  We are not defined by our sin, our failure, or our mishaps.  We all have fallen short in one way or another.  In these times, are we able to recognize our wrong, face it without hiding or running away from it; feel genuine remorse, ask for forgiveness with a sincere heart; and finally - learn from it and move on in a positive way?  Its not the FALL that counts, its getting back up, asking for forgiveness with a sincere and true soul, and becoming stronger and more pure of heart than before that matters most (the RISE).  It takes real courage to come back, humble yourself, and own your mistake(s). 

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.  Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me of my sin...wash me, and I will be whiter that snow.  Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice....Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me."

(To view all of Psalm 51, click here)

If you feel like you have been wearing a Scarlet Letter, its time to break out the OxiClean.  Repent.  Ask for forgiveness.  Forgive yourself.  Start anew.  You can do it!...today is the day.  

Kobe changed his number from 8 to 24 to represent a changed man and a fresh start.  If you are dealing with baggage of a failure or mistake, what is one thing you can change?  Like Rachel Platten sings in her anthem of rebirth, Fight Song, 

"Like how a single word, can make a heart open.
I might only have one match, but I can start an explosion."

KOBE Part I

I hate Kobe Bryant…well at least I used to dislike him.  I know, I know, HATE, is a very strong word, so I guess I never “hated” Kobe, I just wasn’t his biggest fan.  I think the real reason behind my lack of affinity for the Black Mamba is I could never relate to him.  At the core of who I am is a pleaser, soft spoken, team player, pass first & shoot second mentality (on the court and off).  Kobe stands for everything I'm not: demanding of others, ferocious, selfish - always shoot first, pass second.  His camp even requested to be the highest paid player in the league regardless if his best years were behind him.  Kobe is all about ego and being the alpha.  On top of that, Kobe has a reputation for not being the best teammate (after 3 Championships, why did Shaq leave?).  There's a reason why no big-time free agents came to LA...it was all about Kobe and no one wanted to deal with him (i.e. the Dwight Howard experiment).  I'm drawn to unselfish superstars like LeBron and Steph Curry...I relate to those guys.  I connect with their team-first mentality and style of play.

But I must say, last Wednesday night I couldn't keep my eyes off of the TV.  Even though my guy Steph and his "Splash Brother" Klay (Wazzu in the house!) were playing to make history, going for the unprecedented 73rd win of the season...my channel was glued to ESPN 2 watching the Mamba.  LA is a circus in general and the Staple Center had all the big names in attendance to watch Kobe's final performance.  Let's just say he didn't disappoint.  Like most of America and several markets around the globe, I was mesmerized.  Big time players, make big time plays, in big games.  The elite of the elite, shine brightest when the most is at stake, when everyone is watching, and when the game (or for this instance) one's legacy and last game is on the line.  

Kobe hitting another big bucket with the eyes of an assassin

Many can't handle the pressure of being the man...being responsible to carry a franchise, living up to lofty expectations.  Many crumble when the haters come out and criticism pours in.  Many can't handle the pressure and fail to fully satisfy when everyone is counting on you to deliver.  Well folks, Kobe more than fulfilled his duty, he absolutely crushed it to mythical heights.  Not only did he score 60 points (44% shooting off of an unbelievable 50 shots), he also hit the game winner with 30 seconds left and iced the game with 2 free throws.  He was fearless, clutch, unfazed by the moment, and competed like only he could.  My 6 pack of purple colored Hater-aid, turned into drinking the Kobe Kool-aid. This single performance turned me overnight...I couldn't turn the TV and all the coverage off.  I watched his post-game news conference not once but TWICE!  My obsessive following of that moment reminded me of Derek Jeter's last game at Yankee stadium, where he ended his reign in the Bronx with a walk-off base hit.  Hollywood just couldn't have written this script.  60 points from a run-down 37 year old, who hadn't topped 40 points in several years.

These are my take-aways from what I learned about Kobe that memorable night.  I was looking at Kobe from the wrong perspective.  I failed to see the "beauty in others."  I focused my attention on my perceived flaws of what makes Kobe, Kobe.  Is he perfect, no.  Is he polarizing, yes.  He is a villain or hero?  What I love about him is that he doesn't care.  

Kobe is able to do what I have always struggled with - not care what other people think.  

Where I used to (and sometimes still do), let people's opinion's of me effect me.  Kobe could give a %$#@.  He uses the doubters and haters as fuel to win.

Photo cred: The Moawad Group

My depiction of the Mamba now is of a man who is fearless, a winner, unfazed by the moment, driven, ultra-focused, has elite mental toughness, has an extraordinary high pain threshold, a warrior, and one of the fiercest competitors to play professional sports.  I am envious of all those things.  I wish I had more Kobe Bryant in me.  I loved how when asked during his press conference how he was able to take in all the festivities and fanfair...he said, "I stuck to my routine, and I focused on what I needed to do to win.  I didn't change my process for the moment."

And that's what I learned the most from Kobe.  Kobe is an icon, and in the discussion for being one of the best ever...not for what he did when the lights where shining bright, but what he did when no one was watching and what was going on between his ears...his mental approach.  Kobe's work ethic, his commitment to improve himself every off-season, his mental and physical toughness to overcome multiple years of playing through injuries, and his obsession with winning.  His positive mental self-talk...his unwavering belief in himself.  Just like Jeter, Kobe did not change his process for any moment and that is why they are both legends.  When times get tough, or when the pressure is on, we need to remember to stick with our process, our routine - mostly mental - less physical.  

FOCUS ON THE PROCESS, NOT THE PRESSURE.

This is where habits come into play.  We need to prepare ourselves daily (through positive self-talk) to be ready for adversity, challenges, and obstacles.  When you have a deadline to meet at work; when you are in a stressful situation at home; when you are in a state of crisis, we need to remember to focus on the task at hand, focus on the fundamentals, and what needs to get done, instead of what's at stake or worse case scenarios.  Kobe models the alternative...visualizing best case scenarios - visualizing successful outcomes.  We need to believe that we have what it takes to overcome and succeed when these challenges strike. I love this mindset:

Shout out to L. Rob for this quote.

We can't be afraid to fail.  Like Kobe, we need to expect success and believe with all our heart that we have what it takes to win - no matter the situation.  We might hit a few set backs, we might hear from a few haters, but we can learn from those moments and use those experiences as fuel to improve, and keep grinding toward our goal.  I am now a Kobe fan and have learned so much for him from one magical night.  He saved the best for last, something we all should strive to do.  Its not how you start, its how you finish that counts.  Thank you Kobe.  #MambaOut

Check back in for my ode to Kobe Part II, as I draw comparisons between Kobe and a major PTPer (Prime Time Player) in the Bible. 

DISCOVER

Have you heard of the name Judah Smith?  If you live in the Northwest and are into young adult ministry (ages 18-30ish), love the Seahawks, your favorite golfer is Bubba Watson, and you are a charter member of the Justin Bieber fan club…then you probably know him.  This guy has a lot going on…not only is Judah a New York Times Best Selling author (the book Jesus Is____), he’s also best friends with Bubba, he’s the Biebs pastor and mentor, and Judah JUST added Seattle Seahawk Chaplain to his resume this past fall.  On top of all those cool points, Judah and Chelsea Smith are the pastors at The City Church, which has several locations in the greater Seattle area (their main campus is in Kirkland).

Judah is (in mine and many other’s opinion), the alpha dog, pioneer, and leader for this new wave of young and hip pastors that spread the gospel in non-traditional ways (if you haven’t, look up Carl Lentz, Chad Veach, John Gray, and Rich Wilkerson, Jr.).  These trend setters use fashion, pop culture references, music, sports analogies, hysterical wit, and deep storytelling to convey the message that church isn’t about religion.  It’s about loving yourself and others, but mainly, it’s all about one man – Jesus.

Judah Smith

When we lived in Issaquah, we made the City Church our church home.  Since moving back to the south end (near Lake Tapps), that trek to Kirkland with three kids 3 and under is a little much to handle.  We love calling Puyallup Foursquare our church home now.  However, with the beautiful invention of the internet, we often get caught up on how things are going with Judah and the City Church by watching his sermons on their website (check out his sermons here).  This past weekend, we went on a family walk down our big hill (two miles round trip…it’s a BEAST) and brought along our “church on the go” technique.  With Winnie in the stroller, I propped up my iPhone and synced it up with our Beats Pill (this hill can get a little noisy due to cars driving up and down).  This mobile church method is amazing – try it sometime – you get to get Jiggy with Jesus, while you work your glutes (uhh, what, did I just say that?)!

My walking buddies

During this walk, we listened to Judah discuss the challenges and importance of relationships.  He told a funny story about him and Chelsea early in their marriage.  But during his sermon, he said a phrase that really resonated with me.  He talked about how many fall into the path of comparing; keeping up with the Jones’s; looking for the flaws in others to make us feel better.  During this eloquent talk, he said a phrase that sang to me and caught my ear just like the first time I heard Rihanna sing, “Work, Work, Work, Work, Work” (what she says after that only God knows).  Judah proclaimed,

DISCOVER the beauty in others.

I love this.  So simple, but so true.  I love that he used the word “discover.”  I loved it so much I looked the word up to see all the definitions.  Discover means to:

·         Find (something or someone) unexpectedly or in the course of a search

·         Become aware of (fact or situation)

·         Be the first to observe

·         Perceive the attractions of (an activity or subject) for the first time

·         Be the first to recognize the potential of (someone)

Think about applying all of those definitions when looking at other people.  Use the word “discover” to look at, think about, engage and communicate with others…if you do, it is truly beautiful.  I’ve been guilty of comparing what I have (my physical traits and worldly possessions) versus what others have (good or bad).  Social media is not helping with this epidemic of comparing and envy.  Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat are vehicles for many to showcase a false reality to make others view them in a certain way.  Conversely, many of us look at these social media apps as a platform to point out the flaws, past judgement, and stack our chips vs. others and say, “HA!  SEE! I’m cooler than so-and-so.”  Can we make this STOP please!

What lens do you view the world in?  What glasses do you wear when looking at other people?  Are you wearing these glasses (glasses that COMPARE):

Or are you wearing these glasses (glasses that CARE):

Are you looking through a lens that compares or cares?  Let’s discover the good, the beauty, and the gifts in others.  Let’s celebrate other people’s success without jealousy.  Let’s continually lift people up with words of encouragement, positivity, and love.  What good does the alternative do?  Being bitter doesn’t make you better, it just makes you sour.  This type of vision is blurred and will throw you off track and set you back from being the best version of you.  On the flip side, no one is made the same or is perfect.  Many gravitate toward people who are most like themselves.  We tend to engage or interact with people who look like us, talk like us, and come from the same background as us.  Imagine what the world would be like if we all DISCOVER the beauty in others and look to find the good instead of the bad..  What if we were intentional with our thoughts and actions to embrace our differences and look for the hidden talents in others.  Breaking down the definition of “Discover,” what if we:

1.       Find something unexpectedly good in someone

2.       Become aware of someone’s passion

3.       Be the first to observe another person’s gift

4.       Perceive (think about) the attractions of someone different than you  

5.       Be the first to recognize the potential in someone…tell them and others of this observation

This approach, I PROMISE is a much healthier way to make you feel better, as well as empower others to be themselves.  This is what Jesus modeled.  When I see others who act, talk, and think the polar opposite of me…I sometimes revert back to some bad habits and start to cast judgment…but I try to remember to remind myself that God loves that person the same as He loves me...I'm no better in His eyes.  He cares for us no matter who we are, not matter where we are from, no matter our circumstance.  God's vision is 20/20, He looks through a lens that Cares.  He loves us for who we are.  He celebrates our successes.  He loves us at our best and our worst.  I want to be like that for others.

What glasses do you want people to look at you through?  Do you want people to focus on your flaws or your strengths?  Maybe your outlook on life needs a new prescription.  Try this new pair on that I described and see how they fit.  I believe this lens will be much more clear and fulfilling.  Oh by the way, Judah wears glasses…just saying…I’m pretty sure which ones they are too.

Make the Big Time Where You Are

Frosty Westering is a local legend.  From 1972-2003 he was the head football coach at Pacific Lutheran University (PLU).  PLU is a private Division III university in a town in the greater Tacoma, WA area called Parkland (the first 5 years of my life, I lived right across the street from the university...some call it the "hood," - that's where I got my street cred).  During his tenure at PLU, Frosty lead the Lutes to 8 National Championship games, winning 4 titles. His overall record of 305-96-7, made him the winningest NAIA coach of all-time, and 9th in wins among all college coaches...not bad huh?

What made Frosty Westering a legend, wasn't just in his winning record.  Frosty taught his players more than just football, but about life - how to be a good citizen, father, brother, friend, and teammate.  Being a private Christian college, PLU gave Frosty the platform to talk about his faith in Christ and making that the center of one's life.  Frosty's belief of unselfishness, service, and brotherhood gave his players the skills to win not only on the field, but as men outside of collegiate athletics - as husbands, fathers, and contributors to society.

Frosty was an inspiration beyond just football and was a sought after motivational speaker.  He shared his philosophies in a book entitled, Make the Big Time Where You Are. There is only a limited number of copies made, so if you look on Amazon.com you'll find even used copies are going for $43 (the lowest price I found).  When Frosty passed in 2013, this book was selling for over $1,000 on Ebay!

I unfortunately have not read the book (those babies are tough to get!...it's on my to do list though), but I love this concept of "Making the Big Time Where You Are".  This phrase really resonates with me.  I interpret the "Big Time" to mean being the best version of yourself, maximizing your talents, and positively impacting what ever sphere of influence that makes you the most happy (this could be on a micro or macro level).

Growing up in Puyallup, which is near Parkland, and being friends and childhood teammates with Frosty's grandson Jason Johnson (who I later competed against in high school at my rival, Rogers High, and later at the University of Arizona), I met Frosty several times, I saw a few of his games, and I knew dozens of his players (I even worked with PLU's all-time touchdown leader, Chad Barnett, who is also one of my favorite people of all-time).  Ask anyone who had ever played for Frosty, and they'd say that their lives were changed forever.  Frosty's secret wasn't game planning, X's and O's, and recruiting (even though he was very good in those areas), his championships and records had more to do with love, passion, and above all - his unwavering faith.  Frosty was about impacting his players beyond just football...but isn't that what the best coaches, teachers, and leaders do?...affect us on a deeper level; connect with us beyond the sport or job; love us unconditionally; and inspire us to be our best?

When I hear the phrase, "Make the Big Time Where You Are," this is my interpretation: everyone has different aspirations with their life and career.  For some, the "Big Time" is influencing people on a grand scale (macro) through either leadership (CEO, management roles), entertainment (the arts, athletics), education (research, teaching) entrepreneurship, or service (doctors, lawyers, public service, etc) .  In contrast, many are content and fulfilled by staying closer to home (where are my stay at home moms at?...you're the REAL MVPs!) as a "worker bee," not trying to climb the corporate ladder, but enjoying their level of employment and receive job fulfillment utilizing their own unique set of skills.  Both aspirations are perfect and needed for each respective area.  Everyone's job and career fulfillment is different.

Shout out to my boy Mike Ike

For any career, there are three questions that one must ask themselves when deciding on a job:

• Does it fit my LIFESTYLE (hours, travel, time from family or friends, etc.)

• Does it provide the COMPENSATION needed for me and my family

• Does it provide JOB SATISFACTION (is it what I love to do and are skilled at?)

So, what does "Make the Big Time Where You Are" have to do with these three areas of choosing a career?  IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT!  Make the "Big Time" at whatever level you choose.  Do your best through having excellent effort and attitude.  One can lead at any level within an organization.  You don't need power to have authority and influence.  Modeling service, compassion, respect, and generosity earns trust and "positive persuasion."  One of my College of Education professors at WSU, Dr. Morgan, used to always say, "Take care of the cooks and janitors first!"  What he meant was, treat people at all positions and levels like they are the CEO, president, or principle...that's what true leaders do.  You don't need a title, to inspire, help, and provide hope to others...you just need the right heart.

So let's say your aspirations are on a more macro level.  You want to be the next Bill Gates, Tom Brady, Adele, Hilary Clinton, or Mark Zuckerberg...you aspire to have influence over hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions.  In order to reach this level and sustain internal peace and professional longevity, you must take care yourself and those closest to you first, in order to reach the masses on a much larger scale:

YOU: Self confidence, love, gratitude, and healthy mental & physical habits is where it all starts.

FAMILY: Their is nothing more important that serving/putting your family first.

FRIENDS/TEAMMATES: Life is about people not things.  Being a loyal and generous friend must be a vital priority.  Being a trustworthy and productive teammate/coworker falls into the same category (many of us spend more time with our teammates/coworkers than any other group).

COMMUNITY: Life is much better when it is lived in community.  Getting involved in a local church, serving and impacting your city, county, maybe even state or country (depending on your aspirations) is the next progression.

WORLD: Many are called, few are chosen.  Are you called to impact the world, to reach a global scale of influence?...the previous spheres of influence must be obtained first.

To make the "Big Time" at any level you need to have the proper priorities in order.  Life is all about juggling multiple balls...however, they are not made of the same material.

All of these categories, with the exception of family, are like rubber - they have the ability to bounce back. They'll still be there in some form or another if we drop them. Our family is made of glass, and it's crucial we treat it that way. If we neglect our family and not make the "Big Time" by prioritizing our spouse, children, and putting our family first, we are missing on what's most important in life.  Lives have been shattered, because people have been focusing on the wrong things for too long. Some people are seduced by money, power, status, and privilege, and in turn, their family suffers.  Treat your family like glass...protect it, savor it, adore it like your most prized possession... that is truly making the "Big Time!"

I hope this post inspires you to impact those around you in a positive way.  Serving and loving others is the only way.  Starting with yourself, then your family, and working your way out (friends, co-workers/teammates, community, and world - based on your aspirations) will give you the perspective needed to create happiness for you and others.  This type of approach would definitely earn you an, "Atta way, atta way!"...from Coach Frosty!

LOVE

Love is powerful.  Love heals.  Love protects.  Love saves.  Love is peace.  Love transcends.

LOVE, IS THE FINAL FRONTIER.

The word "love" used to make me feel uncomfortable.  I didn't understand it.  I felt uncomfortable saying that word, especially when it dealt with people.  For the first 26 years of my life, I didn't say the words, "I love you" to anybody, but my mom.  I wasn't secure in myself to use that word.  Like most people who use the English language as their primary form of communication, they only think of the word "love" to describe one of two feelings: 1. someone you have deep romantic feelings for, or 2. what you tell your mom before you hang up the phone.

However, most other languages in the world have many different definitions and meanings for the word love.  In the Greek language, there are four different ways the word "love" is used:

Agape: Agape love is said to be the highest form of love - the love of God for man and man for God...some call this "Christian love."  1 John 4:8 says, "God is love."  This type of love is goodwill, faithfulness, commitment, and and an act of will...basically Agape love is always shown by what it does (read Love Does, by Bob Goff).

Eros: This type of love is for all my married people out there...where's Marvin Gay when you need him?  Eros means intimate or romantic love.

Philia: This love is for all my homies.  Philia means "brotherly love."

Storge: This means family love - the deep love of a parent toward a child or a child's love to a parent.  Having children now, this love is truly unlike any love I knew existed.

On a serious note, let me preface by saying that some people miss-use this word to manipulate other people's emotions or feelings for sexual or other reasons to improve their personal wants and desires.  This is wrong and I'm praying for these people.  Don't ever do that please.  If you have ever been on the other end of a "false love" you understand the pain this feels.  Love is the most powerful emotion we can feel and emit.  Love is a word that shouldn't just be thrown around, but used when truly felt.  Let's use love for good and nothing else.  Don't just tell me, show me - true love is that way - through actions, not just words.

So, back to my story with the word love.  It took me into my mid 30's to finally understand all four Greek definitions of love.  Meeting my wife Kendra, I felt feelings of "Eros" and all other kinds very quickly (for the record I said "I love you" first)...she's definitely the best decision I ever made.  "Storge" love, made sense and I've always had love for my family..though I'm still working on telling everyone in my family that I love them...it's easy for me to tell my aunties and girl cousins, but my guy to guy expressions can improve (hey, I'm still a work in progress).  My biggest growth has been with my "Philia" love.  I used to never tell my close friends "I love you," but luckily for me I have been blessed with several close friends, who have taught me that it doesn't make me less of a man to express Philia love by saying, "I love you bro." #charlymartin #chadveach #johanfriis can you # people?...well, I just did.

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My freshman year at WSU, we were playing the University of Hawaii in their house for the last game of the year.  It was a rebuilding year for us.  We only had 2 wins that season and needed a "W" desperately.  It was late in the 4th quarter and we were holding onto a lead.  I was one of three true freshman that by the end of that year was a regular starter...one of those players was Seattle Seahawk legend and who is also from the (253), Marcus Trufant.  We needed this win and needed a big play.  Tru came up with a huge interception to seal the game and I remember giving him a big hug and saying, "I LOVE YOU MAN!!!"  This was very out of character for me because I never used that word.  I was pumped that we were going to win and my guy made a big play.  After saying that, I remember internalizing, "Well he didn't say it back, am I a 'nerd' for saying that?..."

I think a lot of us don't understand love...just like me all those years ago.  I was not advanced enough to understand God's love - agape love.  Agape love is unconditional and expecting nothing in return.  This type of love doesn't care how much money you makes, how you look, where you came from, or what your talents are.  Agape love embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and serves no matter the context, situation, or condition.  In the end, love wins...it always does.

When I put my kids down for bed each night, I say the same prayer over them every time.  After first thanking the Lord for this unspeakable gift and blessing, I ask Him for their protection and safety. Then I conclude by asking for 3 things that center around LOVE:

• That they Love God first,
• That they love themselves how they are made unique and special, and  
•  Third, that they love and serve others.   

I call this the REAL Love Triangle!  I'm challenging you to ask the same for yourself.  Put God first in your life - "In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct and crown your efforts with success." (Proverbs 3:6).  This priority is where it all starts.  Secondly, if you are able to be thankful for how you are made unique, different, and special in your own way to serve a purpose specifically designed for you; if you truly love yourself and have no need to compare or envy others; this will take your life to the next level and will create absolute peace and purpose in your journey.  Lastly, loving and serving others is the 3rd pathway to happiness and success.  When you give without expectation, you will live an abundant life.  Give it a try - if you love in that order, your world will change to a life you have never seen before...and it will just get better and better each day.

These 4 have taught me what LOVE is all about.

So when you are in doubt on how to handle a situation, or what to say or act when you have to make a decision...ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.  Love wins every time.

This concludes my series: 30 Days of Gratitude and Service. Thank you for taking this journey with me.  Check back in for more inspirational posts, stories, and updates.  Have a blessed day.    

LISTENING

A University of Missouri study found that 70-80% of the time we are awake we are communicating…reading emails, checking all social media apps, talking to roommates (I love talking to my roommates – my wife and kids), calling friends or colleagues on the phone, speaking or presenting at work, replying to emails or commenting on all of your “likes”.  So, when you add all that up, below is a breakdown of how we communicate by percentage:

·         10% writing

·         15% reading

·         30% talking

·         45% listening

We all went to school to learn how to read and write.  There are even classes and clubs to practice public speaking (check out Toastmaster’s here).  So here lies the problem.  We spend all of our time and money practicing to read, write, and talk. BUT, by the percentages, LISTENING takes up the biggest bucket when communicating.

This is where the educational system has failed us.  Adults and students alike need help with being better listeners (all the women with husbands or sig others can I get an AMEN?!).  My wife and I sometimes like to play this game when we go out on a date night.  We’ll get to our seats and look around the restaurant or coffee shop and count how many couples or people sitting together are “locked” into their phones instead of engaging the person across from them…try this the next time you are out.  It’s crazy and it needs to stop.  Cell phones are great, I love mine, but they are killing social skills and personal engagement for our youth and adults everywhere (especially young people…ENOUGH with the SnapChat already!).  Texting is now the number one mode of communication for people under the age of 30 (my own unofficial stat)!

Don't be that couple.

The other day a headline on the cover of Psychology Today caught my eye – it had to do with a “hidden trait” that research has shown to make us more attractive.  They got me….I wanted to know.  The article discussed how new research reveals that what the author called “mindfulness” – being present, listening, and being attentive to the person you are interacting with increases positive emotions and attractiveness (not just sexual, but you seem more trusting, less judgmental, and caring).  The world could use more of this.  Think about these kinds of people in your life.  The people who master the art of “mindfulness” are the best leaders, have deeper and more meaningful friendships, have healthier marriages and relationship with their kids.  Speaking less and actively listening more with your eyes, body language and mind might do a world of good for you….and others.

The goal is to speak less and listen more – ask more questions.  When you think about it, when you are in a conversation with someone, in the back of your mind you probably in someway are hoping the conversation turns back to be about you and how awesome you are (I am guilty of this).  You love it when the person you are talking with makes the topic of conversation about you or is inquiring about your day, your achievements, and your process.  If we know this, why don’t we apply this trick and give the other person what they want (and to take it to the next level…truly care about what they are saying)?  This approach will improve your relationships, I guarantee it.

_______________________

Have you ever been called out?  Not just called out, but by someone you admire and respect deeply.  This happened to me one time while I was selling pharmaceuticals at GlaxoSmithKline (GSK).  We were launching a new product, and we had just gotten back from several days of training.  I was loaded up with all kinds of awesome data that I knew the doctors needed to hear.  At that time, I was in a unique position in my sales role because I worked closely with my specialty sales rep, who was also my uncle (he called on only specialists, while I mainly called on primary care accounts).  We were doing a lunch inservice and I was pelting this account with all the new statistics, outcomes, and cool info I just learned.  When all the providers left the room, my uncle just went straight for it and said, “You interrupt people.”  I said, “What, me, interrupt?”  He replied, “Yeah, you interrupted the doctor, you even interrupted me…you really need to work on that.”  Wow, wake-up call, big-time. 

This feedback was humbling and embarrassing, but needed.  This comment upon reflection brought me back to my first interview with GSK.  After that initial interview, the recruiter and hiring manager called me back and said, we really like you and your background, but you interrupted us several times.  Please work on this during your next round of interviews.  Hmmm, now this feedback from my uncle, I knew I needed to make a conscious effort to slow down, pause, let people speak when a question is asked, and trust that silence isn’t always a bad thing.

Since those experiences, this is what I’ve learned, people don’t care what you know until they know that you care.  Think about a conversation like a game of tennis.  Beautiful tennis is when there is a consistent volley back and forth.  The opponent matches tempo, pace, speed, loft, charging the net, retreating back to the back line, all based upon their opponents actions.  Are your conversations like this or are you like a tennis ball machine that is firing shots non-stop really fast and hard to one spot (no volleying here)?...we all have that one friend that talks like an auctioneer, where it’s virtually impossible to get a word in.  Or are you on the other end of the net from the tennis ball machine standing in the same location, hitting the same shot back over and over?...this would be like giving mindless replies during a conversation like, "yup," "ah-huh," "ok."  This is just being lazy.

Another common blunder is when someone is talking to you, and you are figuring out what you are going to say next, instead of concentrating and truly listening to what the person you are talking to is saying…I do this often and I’m working on it…I’m trying to improve my volleying skills.

Here's another thing, why do people feel like they need to give advice all the time or have a miraculous solution when someone is going through a tough time? Often times we don't need advice, we just need someone to hang with us, comfort us, and listen to us without judgement. We just need mindfulness; we just need to be loved. One of the most effective ways to love someone is to do nothing but just listen. Put the cell phone down...the emails can wait, checking the most recent Instagram post is not a state of emergency, that text message doesn't need to be answered now. Living life being present, engaged, and listening is next level type stuff. Now THAT is attractive...I want to hang with those people.  I want to be that person.

Those of us with children know that kids do what you do, not what you say. Modeling mindfulness, and listening skills is a vital life skill that they need to succeed. If they see you on your cell phone 24/7 and have to say your name 5 times to get your attention, you are setting them up to emulate that behavior.

Let's not be that person.  Practice and apply making listening and mindfulness a focus in your life and watch your relationships improve, your results at work grow, and in the end, feel a deeper level of happiness and peace. This skill doesn't happen over-night, we need practice.  I know you got it in you. So on your next date night, PUT YOUR CELL PHONE AWAY!